Before the Germany match, an email from Gary to provoke the international members of Lone Twin Theatre, with CapelLone image above:
Come on England!
France, Australia, Italy, Germany, Denmark we will eat you all for le petit déjeuner, Weetbix, prima colazione, frühstück, morgenmad! x
Before the match, an email from me:
Oh gawd, the terrible 'joys' of being a football fan in England. Let me explain in the form of a chant -
To be softly intoned gradually rising to a wail:
cmon stevie gee, cmon terry's chocolate egg, cmon frankly lampshade, cmon john lennon, cmon the men with two first names and no surname (gareth & barry, david & james), cmon crouchy the giraffe, cmon capt pugwash sausage fingers roo-kneeee, cmon matthew uptown oh crikey cmon, cmon bendit becks on the bench in his suit, cmon fascist fabio, cmon engerlanduh, remember boadicea, remember agincourt, remember douglas baader, remember the british school of motoring, remember ... tim henman, lose all memory of hastings & arrows ... entrust yourself to a man with a big chin who collects paintings and admires franco, entrust yourself to gregg & gary 'the fixers' capellone, okay, i'm coming, just got to get through these slovenians, just gotta play darts, just gotta apologise for speaking out of turn, etc.
there will be tears at teatime, and i fear i will lose my appetite for the cucumber sarnies
cmon oh please cmon, make a bald man happy for once
sir nobby x
After the match, another email from Gary:
To be energetically wailed gradually reducing to a soft whimper:
go home stevie gee, scram terry's chocolate egg, take the ITV contract frankly lampshade, RIP john lennon, change your names the men with two first names and no surname (gareth & barry, david & james), run free in a safari park crouchy the giraffe, apologise capt pugwash toad-in-the-hole sausage fingers roo-kneeee, nice one matthew uptown oh crikey, stick to the day job bendit becks on the bench in his suit, non preoccuparsi fascist fabio, you are cleared for take off engerlanduh, remember boadicea, remember agincourt, remember douglas baader, remember the british school of motoring, remember all those training sessions ... shake hands with tim henman you’re amongst friends, lose all memory of hastings & arrows and everything you've learnt ... burden the man with a big chin who collects paintings and admires franco, cry on the barbecues, pee on the parades, bribe the linesman, take the day off everyone, everyone, all together: ‘the ref-er-ree’s a technophobe, the ref-er-ree’s a technophobe’ …
I'm off to research my Argentinian great-grandfather.